My Broken Testimony
For much of the last three years, I have been in a fog—my heart, my mind and everything else. I continued to do life, but there seemed to be something not right. I felt as if there was something holding back my own walk with Christ and my ministry to our students, but I could not figure it out. I always tried to blame circumstances beyond my control on why things were going better and we weren’t seeing tons of students saved. I blamed the circumstances on everything from our church’s past to my pastor to our students. I kept trying to come up with new things within our youth ministry to try to get our ministry out of this rut.
Back in May, one of the teachers from our Christian school handed me a book by Nancy Leigh Demoss called Brokenness—The Heart God Revives. Up to this point I had also been praying for revival not so much for me but for our students and our church. When the teacher handed me the book, my initial thoughts were, “Oh, great..another book to read—I’ve got plenty to read.” I hesitantly took the book planning on it to just lay on my bookshelf.
The next week we went on a Pastor’s retreat and I decided to take the book, Brokenness. As I read it along with the Scripture, an overwhelming conviction consumed me. I realized that pride was my downfall. Pride took over my life, my ministry, and my whole being. I was so consumed with pride that I didn’t realized it was me that was causing the sin and all of the problems. I was a hypocrite much like the Pharisees:
“Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy about you saying: “These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me.” (Matthew 15:7-9)
For the better part of three years, I was drawing near to God with my mouth, but my heart was as hard as a rock. For the better part of three years, I was trying to figure out the next best thing to get our student ministry moving and myself moving, but the whole time it wasn’t what we were doing, but it came down to who I had become—prideful and arrogant. I took pride in the fact that I had been doing youth ministry for 13 years and I knew all of the answers and there wasn’t anything “new under the sun”. I took pride in my own abilities and had an attitude as better than thou. This pride quickly spread bitterness in my heart and I found myself blaming others.
God finally crushed me on a Wednesday morning as I was doing my quiet time. As I was praying, God laid on my heart that there was a couple with whom I needed to seek reconciliation and forgiveness. I knew for the past year that this was what God wanted me to do, but I ignored God and disobeyed him because of the condition of my heart. God told me to do it that day, so I went by their house in the afternoon but no one was there. After our youth worship I took kids home and was driving by their house around 10 p.m. and noticed the headlights were on which was my opportunity to go by and talk to them. I kind of surprised the gentleman, but I told him, “God told me this morning to come by and talk to you!” So, for the next hour we talked and I asked them for forgiveness. They are truly an incredible couple whom I love and respect, but I hurt them because of the pride in my life. What a weight was lifted off of my shoulder!
I truly believe because of my pride I held back my own walk with Christ, our youth ministry, and church. I believe we did not see the hand of God move because of me. I was the Achan in the midst of the camp, but I tried to blame the condition of our youth ministry on other people and circumstances.
Because of what God did in my life, I felt impressed to pray incredibly hard for our student ministry-that God just has he did for me—that he would break our students and youth workers. A churchwide movement of prayer took place from June through July praying that God would bring brokenness. I had our youth workers read the brokenness book before we went to camp for a couple of reasons. The first reason was for them to get an idea of what brokenness is and for us to pray in that direction. The second reason was for our youth workers to become broken. I believe our students would have never experienced revival if we as adults wouldn’t have taken the first step. I applaud our youth workers for being open and willing for God to examine them.
All that I can say during the week of camp is—WOW! Sixteen students came to know Christ as their personal Lord and Savior! We challenged the kids on Monday night to examine their hearts by using an illustration. All of our hearts are in one of these conditions: hard clay, silly putty, or moldable clay. I took the hard clay and asked the students to try to shape it, but they couldn’t. Many of our students had hard, angry hearts. I then took the silly putty and described silly putty hearts as hearts who think this whole Christianity/church thing is just a big joke. There is no seriousness to a relationship with Christ and the tendency is to come not for Christ but for their own selfishness. The silly putty sure looked like moldable clay, but it was a cheap imitation and it wasn’t the real thing. I then took the moldable clay and had one of the students shape it. It was very easy to shape and I told them, “This is what our hearts should look like.” Throughout the week we brought that illustration up and the students evaluated their heart condition. Through the quiet times, the amphitheater experience, our in cabin Bible studies and devotions, and even the recreation, God moved in the hearts of our students. It seemed like every time I turned around, one of our adults was introducing a new brother or sister in Christ OR a student was returning to Christ. WOW!
I have never been as emotionally and spiritually stirred as that week. When I say emotionally, I do not mean it was all emotion based commitments. I’ve seen that almost every year at camp, but this year was different. I could really sense a Christ changed life! I saw Christ change angry students. I saw Christ change hard hearted students. I saw Christ change silly putty students. I saw God use moldable students to minister to other students!
Another God thing was that when we went to YEC, the theme was brokenness! As one of our student theologians, Jake, said, “There’s no such thing as a coincidence…God always has a purpose for everything.”
We continue to see God’s hand move by students being spiritually sensitive and praying for God to continue to do great things. They are more motivated than in years past to see their friends come to know Christ! What a blessing.
I do not say all of this to say that I am the one that caused the revival to happen. I am saying that it was because of me that revival did not happen. The sin of arrogance and pride grieved God so much that we didn’t see revival. I guess I say all of this to encourage you to look first at your own heart condition. I know we teach this all the time, but honestly as youth pastors, pastors, etc., it’s true. We may be the one’s causing the problems because of our heart condition.
With all of this, am I saying that I am out of the woods and everything is great? Yes and no. Yes, life is good as I try to yield my life to Christ on a daily basis, but pride is and had been my biggest downfall and I have to continually almost on a minute by minute basis guard my heart and mind from pride, envy, and jealousy. God presently is teaching me to surrender my all to him. That is so easy to sing, but it’s another thing to live and He is challenging me with this!
My desire through this testimony is that you would examine your own heart…that you would test yourself for any pride or arrogance. It’s easy to do especially in ministry. My utmost desire is that God gets all of the credit--that He be made famous through this!
I would be encouraged to hear your broken testimony.
The high and lofty one who inhabits eternity, the Holy One, says this: "I live in that high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I refresh the humble and give new courage to those with repentant hearts. (Isa 57:15)
You would not be pleased with sacrifices, or I would bring them. If I brought you a burnt offering, you would not accept it. (Psa 51:16)The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psa 51:17)
Email: mike.lehew@ridgewaybaptist.com
For much of the last three years, I have been in a fog—my heart, my mind and everything else. I continued to do life, but there seemed to be something not right. I felt as if there was something holding back my own walk with Christ and my ministry to our students, but I could not figure it out. I always tried to blame circumstances beyond my control on why things were going better and we weren’t seeing tons of students saved. I blamed the circumstances on everything from our church’s past to my pastor to our students. I kept trying to come up with new things within our youth ministry to try to get our ministry out of this rut.
Back in May, one of the teachers from our Christian school handed me a book by Nancy Leigh Demoss called Brokenness—The Heart God Revives. Up to this point I had also been praying for revival not so much for me but for our students and our church. When the teacher handed me the book, my initial thoughts were, “Oh, great..another book to read—I’ve got plenty to read.” I hesitantly took the book planning on it to just lay on my bookshelf.
The next week we went on a Pastor’s retreat and I decided to take the book, Brokenness. As I read it along with the Scripture, an overwhelming conviction consumed me. I realized that pride was my downfall. Pride took over my life, my ministry, and my whole being. I was so consumed with pride that I didn’t realized it was me that was causing the sin and all of the problems. I was a hypocrite much like the Pharisees:
“Hypocrites! Well did Isaiah prophesy about you saying: “These people draw near to Me with their mouth, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me. And in vain they worship Me.” (Matthew 15:7-9)
For the better part of three years, I was drawing near to God with my mouth, but my heart was as hard as a rock. For the better part of three years, I was trying to figure out the next best thing to get our student ministry moving and myself moving, but the whole time it wasn’t what we were doing, but it came down to who I had become—prideful and arrogant. I took pride in the fact that I had been doing youth ministry for 13 years and I knew all of the answers and there wasn’t anything “new under the sun”. I took pride in my own abilities and had an attitude as better than thou. This pride quickly spread bitterness in my heart and I found myself blaming others.
God finally crushed me on a Wednesday morning as I was doing my quiet time. As I was praying, God laid on my heart that there was a couple with whom I needed to seek reconciliation and forgiveness. I knew for the past year that this was what God wanted me to do, but I ignored God and disobeyed him because of the condition of my heart. God told me to do it that day, so I went by their house in the afternoon but no one was there. After our youth worship I took kids home and was driving by their house around 10 p.m. and noticed the headlights were on which was my opportunity to go by and talk to them. I kind of surprised the gentleman, but I told him, “God told me this morning to come by and talk to you!” So, for the next hour we talked and I asked them for forgiveness. They are truly an incredible couple whom I love and respect, but I hurt them because of the pride in my life. What a weight was lifted off of my shoulder!
I truly believe because of my pride I held back my own walk with Christ, our youth ministry, and church. I believe we did not see the hand of God move because of me. I was the Achan in the midst of the camp, but I tried to blame the condition of our youth ministry on other people and circumstances.
Because of what God did in my life, I felt impressed to pray incredibly hard for our student ministry-that God just has he did for me—that he would break our students and youth workers. A churchwide movement of prayer took place from June through July praying that God would bring brokenness. I had our youth workers read the brokenness book before we went to camp for a couple of reasons. The first reason was for them to get an idea of what brokenness is and for us to pray in that direction. The second reason was for our youth workers to become broken. I believe our students would have never experienced revival if we as adults wouldn’t have taken the first step. I applaud our youth workers for being open and willing for God to examine them.
All that I can say during the week of camp is—WOW! Sixteen students came to know Christ as their personal Lord and Savior! We challenged the kids on Monday night to examine their hearts by using an illustration. All of our hearts are in one of these conditions: hard clay, silly putty, or moldable clay. I took the hard clay and asked the students to try to shape it, but they couldn’t. Many of our students had hard, angry hearts. I then took the silly putty and described silly putty hearts as hearts who think this whole Christianity/church thing is just a big joke. There is no seriousness to a relationship with Christ and the tendency is to come not for Christ but for their own selfishness. The silly putty sure looked like moldable clay, but it was a cheap imitation and it wasn’t the real thing. I then took the moldable clay and had one of the students shape it. It was very easy to shape and I told them, “This is what our hearts should look like.” Throughout the week we brought that illustration up and the students evaluated their heart condition. Through the quiet times, the amphitheater experience, our in cabin Bible studies and devotions, and even the recreation, God moved in the hearts of our students. It seemed like every time I turned around, one of our adults was introducing a new brother or sister in Christ OR a student was returning to Christ. WOW!
I have never been as emotionally and spiritually stirred as that week. When I say emotionally, I do not mean it was all emotion based commitments. I’ve seen that almost every year at camp, but this year was different. I could really sense a Christ changed life! I saw Christ change angry students. I saw Christ change hard hearted students. I saw Christ change silly putty students. I saw God use moldable students to minister to other students!
Another God thing was that when we went to YEC, the theme was brokenness! As one of our student theologians, Jake, said, “There’s no such thing as a coincidence…God always has a purpose for everything.”
We continue to see God’s hand move by students being spiritually sensitive and praying for God to continue to do great things. They are more motivated than in years past to see their friends come to know Christ! What a blessing.
I do not say all of this to say that I am the one that caused the revival to happen. I am saying that it was because of me that revival did not happen. The sin of arrogance and pride grieved God so much that we didn’t see revival. I guess I say all of this to encourage you to look first at your own heart condition. I know we teach this all the time, but honestly as youth pastors, pastors, etc., it’s true. We may be the one’s causing the problems because of our heart condition.
With all of this, am I saying that I am out of the woods and everything is great? Yes and no. Yes, life is good as I try to yield my life to Christ on a daily basis, but pride is and had been my biggest downfall and I have to continually almost on a minute by minute basis guard my heart and mind from pride, envy, and jealousy. God presently is teaching me to surrender my all to him. That is so easy to sing, but it’s another thing to live and He is challenging me with this!
My desire through this testimony is that you would examine your own heart…that you would test yourself for any pride or arrogance. It’s easy to do especially in ministry. My utmost desire is that God gets all of the credit--that He be made famous through this!
I would be encouraged to hear your broken testimony.
The high and lofty one who inhabits eternity, the Holy One, says this: "I live in that high and holy place with those whose spirits are contrite and humble. I refresh the humble and give new courage to those with repentant hearts. (Isa 57:15)
You would not be pleased with sacrifices, or I would bring them. If I brought you a burnt offering, you would not accept it. (Psa 51:16)The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise. (Psa 51:17)
Email: mike.lehew@ridgewaybaptist.com
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